Your Typical Average Online Black Dude

by Corey

A few weeks ago I saw a post describing the stereotypical black woman on social networks. I thought it was pretty awesome and felt the need to share my input, concerning the fellas of course. I've been seeing way too much pillow-boy material on my newfeed and timeline. Maybe I'm tripping, but since when did everyone leave Mansville? If you feel that the following material is a direct shot at you, or that I am talking about you personally, good. Maybe you will negotiate your conduct and correct yourself accordingly.



So, here is my run-down of the Average Black Dude via Social Networks.


10. The Fitness Trainer

Yo, there isn't anything wrong with working out, but you don't need to give me a run down of your routines at the gym. I could've went my entire life without knowing how many reps you are knocking out at Gold's or your daily protein assumption. I could care less about how many calories you burned on the tredmill. I get it! You work out. You eat Muscle Milk and bricks for breakfast. You love wearing your Under Armor 24/7. Take it easy fam, it's just the gym.

9. Chef Boy-Are-You-Cool

Wow! You can cook? Amazing! All this time I thought you only ate at restaurants and fast food. You don't have to post ever struggle meal you devour though. Its nice to know that you have a camera readily accessible by your food, but you aren't the first person to ever feast on Swine Chops, Macaroni, Potatoes and Green Beans. To make matters worst, you have the audacity to recommend to anyone that veiws the picture to, "get like me"... Oh, okay.

8. Dr. Love

You know just what to say. Smooth talking quips and flowerful quotes makes your day go by. The more likes and retweets you get, the harder you go in... We get it. You read up on a few philosophers and watched a few chick-flix, suddenly you know how to solve relationship problems? Cool. Keep hitting them over the head with those "if he likes you, he'll give you the stars, if he loves you, he'll give you the universe" gems. You have it all figured out.

7. Hate Me Now

Its you against the world. Everyday you are battling with some opposing force that was destined to be a thorn in your side. You can't let a day go by without acknowledging any and everyone getting in the way of the fulfillment of your dreams. Those evil haters, they want to destroy you, and you must confess your undying resentment to them constantly. Only if you could ignore them just for a few moments, maybe just long enough to take a picture of your food...

6.Corn Wallace

You have maximized your ability to be the thirstiest man in the history of civilization. Adorned with that impecable charm and laced with delusions of granduer, you somehow have managed to unknowingly get on everyone's last nerve. You just can't get enough of yourself. You RT anything pertaining to you, you even like you own statuses and comments. All hail Corn Wallace: King of Swag.

5. Money Machine

You ride around, and you get it. You believe in, "if it don't make dollars, then it don't make sense," and it shows buddy. You don't seem to talk about anything except the money you make, the money you lose, the money you spend, the money you blow, and the money you don't even have. (Money money money money money money, just in case I lost you) You're a self-made, go-getting, hustling machine, and you have the facebook page and tweets to prove it! Money.

4. Huey Malcolm Martin Garvey

The revolution will be tweeted. You are so pro-active and in tune with the community, all for the sake of change. Even though you aren't a people person, you have a way of letting the entire internet know what's going on in this jacked up society. You've occupied Wall Street, boycotted Basketball Wives, and banned Soldier Boy Tell 'Em from playing Bishop in the remake of Juice. I know you have to be the change you want to see. All power to the people, unless you lose your internet connection.

3. Mr. Antagonist

Its imperative that you go against the grain fam. If everyone is praising it, you shoot it down. You solemnly refuse to hop aboard anything that resembles a bandwagon. Everybody hates Chris? You love him. The new Drake is hot? Not on your thermostat. President Obama killed Bin Laden? Show me the photos. You turn every single post/tweet into a debate all for the sake of making others feel un-hip, yet all they while, you never say anything of true value or meaning. Go figure.

2. Kid-N-Play by Play

Hey man, you are the only human being with cable television. You feel the need to live out your Marv Albert fantasies during all sporting events, award shows, and you've even taken it as far as to rapid fire updates of your day-to-day activity. Look my dude, I understand you want to feel connected to people, but c'mon man. You can't really be that blind to not see the 54 posts/tweets you've blasted in a matter of minutes. I know you think "the internet" is a hobby, but someone lied to to you jack.

1. The Local Celebrity

You sir are the creme de la creme. You have managed to shut down every party you have ever attended. You love being tagged in photos with your beverage of choice, or maybe standing next to others with lackluster significance. You love your followers, fans, supporters, and haters. You live a very normal, average life, but the moment you touchdown at that empty field on your facebook/twitter page, you become a star. You bask in the glow of the limelight and refuse to settle for being mediocre. You are applauded by your peers for being the most flamboyant person they know on the internet. You are constantly in rare form and will never miss a beat. You've stuck to your guns and have faithfully reminded us that you don't have to be a star to be in the show.

Honorable Mentions go to Spam The Wall Ent. Promotions, Seymour N. Box, DJ Youtube and The-Wierd-Dude-With-His-Shirt-Off. - PHOTOS Courtesy of Google


(Note: This is for promotional use only)